The Nose Knows
by Oddwen Floddball
Summary: Oh my, what IS the matter with Merry's nose? Could it be...evil? Can Pippin stop it in time? *Sequel to be posted May 1st!*
1. Chapter 1

Ok, I am now officially nuts. I have written the ultimate wierdfic. The plotbunnies are hungry and they feed on my flesh. ñMm, tasty!î they say. Even now they nibble at my heels. Reviewing only encourages me. This may be a good thing, or it may be a bad thing. You decide. I donÍt own LotR. This may be a good thing also. Otherwise I would probably be writing weird stories about mutant noses. Oh, wait...  
  
4/28  
Hey, I'VE GOT A SEQUEL! WOOHOO, MORE MADNESS!  
I just thought that perhaps you'd like to get aquainted with the Nose before I post it, which will be May 1st. So mark your calendars!  
Peregrin Took crept along the streets of the Shire stealthily. He paused every few moments to make sure he was not followed. He made his way to Bag End and quietly snuck inside and rushed to Frodo Baggins's room. He gently shook him.  
"Frodo, Frodo wake up!" Frodo stirred but turned over and pulled the blanket over his head. Pippin grabbed the glass of water on the bedstand and dumped it on Frodo's head. The hobbit spluttered and sat up.  
"Pippin, what's the matter?" He blotted his hair with a pillow.  
"Something's the matter with Merry. It's, it's, his nose." Pippin's lower lip wobbled.  
Frodo started to laugh but the look in the other's eyes made him think twice. "What about his nose?"  
"It's evil," whispered Pippin.  
"Evil?" said Frodo trying with all his might not to laugh.  
"He was asleep, and I was just looking to make sure it was real, and, and, and I'd rather not talk about it." He sat down on a chair.  
"Well, this certainly is serious," said Frodo, lips atwiching. "Merry Brandybuck's nose is discovered to be evil by his cousin sneaking into his room at night, unexplainably of course. What shall we do?"  
"Don't make fun, Fro. I could spread something about a certain person's eyes..." his voice trailed off.  
"What?" said Frodo. "What about my eyes?"  
"Oh, drat." Pippin seemed somewhat deflated. He bowed his head. "I just don't want him to get hurt, that's all..."  
"Hurt by his own evil nose. I don't mind telling you, Pip, this is the most original story you've ever made up. But if you don't mind, it's a bit late to be storytelling. You can finish in the morning, you know, work out the details."  
"But it's the truth!" cried Pippin.  
"Out," said Frodo firmly.  
Pippin stood and looked at him for a moment. Frodo thought for an instant that maybe his friend was for once telling the truth. But an evil nose? Sure it was rather large, and he had always teased Merry about it, but evil? Pippin sniffed and walked out dejectedly. Frodo was plagued by dreams that night, filled with Merry joking and laughing as usual, but with a nose thrice its normal size, and he had Pippin's eyes looking betrayedly at him. 


	2. Chapter 2

Ok, I had something else planned for this, but then Tweak typed the first paragraph of this and it changed the whole course of the story. So if you don't like it, or really like it, all thanks/flames go to the mighty and nerdy Tweak.  
If a severe Dominic Monaghan fan reads this, I mean no serious offence, and his nose isn't really that big I know, you can blame the plotbunnies which I have locked up. :) Read, enjoy, review.  
I have 3 more chapters plus a few discarded ideas.  
  
  
  
  
Pippin dejectly walked home. He was trying to warn a good friend and he was just laughed away.  
He opened his door and walked inside. "Hello, Pippin." a nasal voice said. Pippin turned around and saw Merry. "M-Merry!" he said. "What are you doing here?"  
"I might have asked that an hour or two ago," the nasaly voice said. Pippin saw with horror that Merry wasn't moving his lips. Instead, he seemed to be asleep. Pippin tried to flee but Merry grabbed him. "The nose knows," whispered the nasal voice. Pippin screamed.  
With the sun streaming in his windows, he sat up suddenly in bed. He looked around for Merry or his nose, but all was in its rightful place. Heedless of anything else, he ran to Bag End. It was empty. Merry's house was as well, so he ran to the Green Dragon Inn. There was Frodo, and Merry, and a good many other hobbits talking and laughing.  
"And then he came to me last night saying Merry's nose was evil!" screamed Frodo. The entire room shouted in laughter and Sam choked on his ale.  
"Frodo!" wailed Pippin.  
"And here he is now, in his nightdress no less!" cried Frodo. The crowd pointed and laughed.  
Pippin's face screwed up and he ran off.   
"Them Tooks is cracked!" said Ted Sandyman. "Nearly as cracked as Mad Baggins, eh Frodo?"  
"Not quite," laughed Frodo. But still doubts nagged him and he snuck a look at Merry's nose cautiously. It sat there still in all its bulbous glory.  
"Now you aren't believing that bunk are you, Fro?" said Merry elbowing him. "You know how dear Pip is."  
"Yes, I know. But he seemed so serious this time."  
"Now Frodo Baggins, if you are insinuating that evil is growing under my very nose, well, in my very nose, then you're just as cracked as that crazy Peregrine!" said Merry. "Can you imagine an evil nose now? Can you?"  
"Now Meriadoc, just calm down. I can imagine a lot of things in your nose."  
Merry shoved him, laughed and took another swig of his ale.  
Pippin meanwhile was running just as fast as he could, as blinded as he was by tears. He finally could not run anymore when he reached the oak tree that he and Merry had played in when they were children. He lay down at the foot and sobbed. After about an hour, he sniffled and sat up. By the sun it was nearly noon, and his stomach was grumbling. The hobbit realized he had missed nearly three meals. He slunk to his house and got dressed. He kicked his nightclothes under the bed. They were too dirty to wear anyway. But luncheon was not as comforting as he had hoped. Even the mushrooms in the stew didn't help. He found himself thinking of ways to get revenge on that mean Frodo Baggins. He had not only laughed at him, he had gotten the entire Green Dragon to lose what little respect they had for him. But then Pippin thought with a chill that revenge might come to Frodo by a hand other than his own. Or an appendage, rather. Merry's nose had come after him first, hadn't it? After it got him, who was next? He thought back to all the good times that he and Frodo and Merry had had. He knew what he had to do. Grimly, he started towards Bag End, towards destiny and infamy. 


	3. Chapter 3

Yes Texxy, I have read the books. IÕve been reading the books steadily for 4 years. And Òbroad rather than good naturedÓ faces might very well have big noses, I donÕt know. And Mr. MonaghansÕ nose isnÕt that big I know, itÕs just...prominent. ItÕs just a story, I donÕt want to offend or anger anyone. Because ÒLife is good, especially with whipped cream on top.Ó The great and geeky Tweak.  
  
  
  
  
Merry and Frodo were walking home and talking about Pippin's strange behavior.  
"It's not like him to go anywhere without being immaculately dressed," said Merry laughing at the memory. "But then again, he always was predictably unpredictable."  
Frodo allowed himself a few chuckles before answering. "So what are you going to do about it?"  
"Do? Oh, probably just twich my nose at him occasionally and pretend to be possessed. The usual type of stuff." He yawned. "I'm beat. I think I'll go home and take a nap."  
"Of course you're tired. Who wouldn't, having to carry that huge thing on your face?"  
Merry shoved him and walked on. "Watch out for evil noses!" he shouted, and then skipped off laughing. Frodo waved and walked on home. But when he got there, Pippin was sitting on the bench gripping his knees as if his life depended on it.  
"Hullo, Pip! Dressed at last, I see!" cried Frodo cheerfully.  
"That's not funny, Frodo," said Pippin despondently. "I came to ask if I could spend the night."  
"Well, sure. What for? Aren't you afraid of my nose?"  
Pippin gave him a withering look. "That's NOT funny either, in case you were wondering."  
"Sorry. Sure, you can use the guest room. You're just in time for afternoon tea. I baked some cookies. Come in and have some."  
Pippin brightened a bit at the mention of food. In the bright afternoon sun, things didn't seem so dark as they really were after all.  
"So, what makes you think Merry's nose is evil?" said Frodo. They were sitting before the fireplace nibbling on cookies, smoking pipe-weed and drinking some of the Old Winyards. Pippin looked at his feet thoughtfully.  
"It is," he said. "When I came home last night, it was waiting for me."  
Frodo laughed out loud at this. "What, was it on the doorstep?"  
Pippin glared. "No. Merry was there. And his nose, well, it talked to me. And Merry looked asleep."  
Frodo laughed so hard that he spilled his wine. He bent over the carpet with a rag, still giggling.  
"You don't take me seriously, do you?" sighed Pippin. "You never do."  
"Well, I think that an evil nose is less credible even than walking trees, Pip."  
"I saw those too!" said Pippin. "At least, I think I did."  
"That's your problem, Pip. You have an overactive imagination. Plus too much wine." He looked ruefully at the nearly empty bottle at Pippin's elbow.  
"Well, I've had a shock. I can use it." The slightly sozzled Took looked in the bottom of his glass and very deliberately emptied the bottle into it.  
"Sure, Pip. Sure." Frodo shook his head and went to get more rags. 


	4. Chapter 4

Hello yet again. And thank you BirdWithNoLegs, it is Peregrin. ÒPeregrineÓ I do believe is the feminine form.  
I fear that these chapters are doomed to be this short, for they are already written up. I am debating with the plotbunnies for some sort of sequel, though...  
  
  
That night at dinner and supper, Pippin seemed to get more and more nervous, Frodo thought. He kept getting up and peering out of the door, and jumping at every little noise.  
"Say Pip, what say you get to bed early, eh?" said Frodo.  
Pippin looked a bit frightened. "Uh, sure. You going too?"  
"Eventually."  
"I'm not going 'til you're going." Pippin hooked his feet around the table leg and got a really stubborn look on his face.  
"Relax, no one's going to make you, you're nearly a grown hobbit." Frodo shook his head and started clearing the dishes. Pippin just sat and stared at the candle. Frodo shrugged. The poor young thing had just had a bad fright apparently, also nearly a whole bottle of Frodo's best wine.  
Pippin jumped up suddenly and shouted. Frodo looked to where he was pointing out the window and there was a nose in the dark. He ran to open the window and grabbed it. There was a squawk and Merry's face appeared.  
"Just what are you doing?" said Frodo. Merry grinned sheepishly.  
"Dothin'," he mumbled. Pippin just stood there, frozen and white as a sheet.  
"Come inside," said Frodo.  
"Let go of by dose?" said Merry. Frodo did so and there came a knock on the door. Frodo opened it and there stood Merry.  
"Good evening Mr. Baggins, I have some fine noses for sale and..." Frodo slammed the door and braced it with a chair. Merry's voice could be heard yelling "It was just a joke!"  
Pippin had sat down, but the color had not returned to his face.  
"I'm going to bed," he mouthed. Frodo nodded. Pippin walked a bit unsteadily to the guest room, and Frodo shook his head. He straightened up the rest of the house and went to bed as well. He lay in the dark wondering what was really bothering his friend. Had he and Merry had a fight? Merry didn't seem to think anything was wrong. Then again, Merry was a pretty rational fellow. He sighed and dismissed it to a dream. He drifted off slowly.  
Pippin however, lay awake for a good while after he had moved the dresser in front of the window and his bed in front of the door. One couldn't be too careful in cases like these. The wine had wore off a good bit when Merry had scared him, and he was starting to get a bit of a headache. He closed his eyes and was nearly asleep when there came a thump. His eyes flew open and he stopped breathing. He was just about to decide that it was fell into the category of 'assorted night noises' when it came again, closer this time. Pippin's heart raced. Merry's nose had beat the door down, and was in the hole! He sat up as carefully as he could. He pressed his ear to the door. Footsteps came closer, and the doorknob turned ever so slowly. Pippin gripped it with all his might. He and the intruder fought silently for what seemed like ages. Finally, the doorknob stopped attempting to turn. But a moment later, a crashing noise came as the door was suddenly shattered by a small stool that had been outside. Merry stood in what was left of the doorframe, but his eyes were closed and he was snoring gently. Pippin jumped off the bed and backed against the far wall. Merry climbed over the debris and the bed and stood in the middle of the room.  
"Hello, Pippin," said the nasal voice, but Merry still snored. "I have come for you." 


	5. Chapter 5

Alas, alack, boo and hoo, this is the last chapter, and I fear it may be anticlimactic for some. Oh well, IÕve still got a few discarded ideas for yous to look forward to, thanks for reviewing, all. :)  
  
  
  
Pippin screamed just as loudly as he could. But Merry advanced slowly, and Pippin dashed behind him, cleared the bed in a single leap and ran down the hallway as fast as he could. He started tipping furniture behind him to block the way. All of a sudden Frodo stood in front of him.   
"What are you doing, you fool of a Took?" he said angrily. "What do you mean wrecking my home in the middle of the night?"  
"No time!" gasped Pippin. "He's inside!"  
"Pippin, stop it this instant! How many times do I have to tell you noses can't be-"  
But his outburst remained forever unsaid. For at that moment Merry stood before them, eyes closed and still snoring.  
"Oh, that's it," said Frodo. "He's sleepwalking. It's a common thing, and nothing to be worried about." He patted Pippin's shoulder and went to try to wake Merry up.  
"No!" screeched Pippin. He grabbed Frodo roughly, shoved him back into his room and locked the door behind them.  
"Pippin, this is gone far enough. If you intend to remain on speaking terms with me you had better explain this prank once and for all."  
Pippin was just about to try and knock some sense into his thick Baggins skull when Merry kicked the door open.  
"Hello, Frodo," said the nasal voice. "I have come for you."  
"What the...?" said Frodo, but Merry leaped at him and tackled the hobbit to the floor and began to wring his neck. Pippin grabbed a vase and smashed it on his head. The nose turned to regard him scornfully. Frodo took this oppurtunity to kick Merry as hard as he could. He loosened his grip, and Frodo jerked free. Merry ripped a post off of Frodo's bed and tried to hit him with it, but Pippin grabbed the end and Frodo punched the nose as hard as he could. Merry's eyes fluttered open and he yelled with pain.  
"Hey, hey what's the idea, ouch!" he yelped. "You broke my nose you stupid, where am I?" He looked around confusedly at the mess.  
"Look!" gasped Pippin. Frodo watched with a mixture of disgust and horror as the nose shrunk to an average size. Merry was going cross-eyed trying to see.   
"You're bleeding all over my carpet, Brandybuck," said Frodo handing him a hankerchief.  
Merry felt his nose gingerly. "Id is broke," he said. "Thanks a lot. Now can you explain why I'b here?"  
"I've been telling you and telling you, your nose was evil!" shouted Pippin. "You just didn't listen!" Merry looked at Frodo doubtfully.  
"It was true, Merry. Your nose had taken over you and you were trying to strangle me!" he displayed his neck which was red and sore.  
Merry looked extremely confused and pained all at the same time when they explained what had happened.  
"I want to go hobe," he whispered.  
"Me too," said Pippin.  
"And I want you two to go home too. You can come back tomorrow and clean up your mess," said Frodo sternly.  
"It's not my mess!" said Pippin. "I only broke a vase and I think a few chairs."  
"Well, excuse me, Master Peregrin "Clumsy" Took, I believe that there are more than a few chairs broken in that hall!" said Frodo.  
"I think fleeing for my life should count for something!"  
"You should at least not leave a mess just in case you survive!" shouted Frodo triumphantly.  
"Are you insinuating that you want me to die?"  
"If you don't stop arguing with me you just may die!"  
"I'm not arguing, you are!"  
"Are not!"  
"Are too!"Merry chuckled. "I wodder what they'll say about this at the Greed Dragon?"  
  
The end. 


	6. Bonus Chapter aka Chapter 6

Ok, I know youÕre disappointed that this story isnÕt longer. But here are some discarded ideas that didnÕt make it, and some ÔblooperishÕ type things. Enjoy, and thanks a lot!  
-Oddwen.  
  
  
  
"Frodo!" gasped Pippin. "Merry's nose is evil!"  
"Run!" screamed Frodo.   
"Hey Fro, Pip. What's going on?" said Merry.  
"AAAHHHH!!" shouted Frodo and Pippin running away.  
"What?" said Merry confusedly.  
  
  
Pippin felt like he was floating. He heard a soft voice calling him. He opened his eyes.  
"Who's there?" he said. A woman clothed in the stars, as it were, appeared before him.  
"Peregrin, you have a task before you. Evil is growing. You must fight it."  
"I have not the strength," whispered the hobbit.  
"You have more strength than you know," smiled the lady. She held a piece of cloth up to the sky and then blew her nose into it.  
"With this hankerchief you can destroy the evil. Go now Peregrin of the Shire." She stooped, kissed the hobbit on the forehead and disappeared. Pippin woke suddenly. In his clenched fist he saw that he held a hankerchief, white as the snow and soft as the sun. He smiled grimly. The nose would feel its bite, for in his hands he knew that he held the boogers of Elbereth.  
  
  
"Boy, I'm beat. I'm going home to take a nap," said Merry.  
"You would be tired, what with that thing on your face and all." Frodo laughed and shoved Merry playfully. Merry laughed and shoved back. Frodo laughed quieter and shoved back. Merry laughed stiffly and shoved Frodo into a ditch. Frodo jumped up and they started throwing punches and screaming at each other.  
  
  
Frodo heard thumping early that morning. He silently crept to the drawing room, but tripped. He looked in horror at the stake hammered into his beautiful polished oak floor, the rope tied to the stake, and the rope supporting a tent.  
"What is going on?" he wailed.  
"Hey, Fro," said an inebreated Pippin poking his head out. "Me an' Merry ish camping out." He hiccuped. "Ain't that right, Merry ol' buddy ol' pal."  
"Shure," said Merry.  
"You stupid idiots!" shouted Frodo. "You've gotten into my Old Winyards again, haven't you?"  
"Right ol' boy, good ol' Frodo Bagginsh," slurred Merry. "Winnyerd'sh a good wine, yup." He passed out.  
"Can't hold ish likker. Washome mushroomsh?" said Pippin. "Got 'em cookin' right chere, shtew. Mushroom schtew." He hiccuped again.  
"AARRGH!" shouted Frodo. It appeared that the young hobbits had not fixed the broken furniture and doors as he had requested, but instead made a fire right in the middle of his drawing room rug and cooked his pet mushrooms to boot.  
"Trusht a Brannybuk an' a Took, eh Fro?" said Pippin.  
Frodo sobbed.  
  
  
Pippin stood frozen against the far wall as Merry climbed over the debris. He relaxed enough however to laugh hysterically when his assailant tripped on a blanket and fell between the bed and the wall and got stuck.  
  
  
Frodo was enjoying a nice breakfast in his nice clean house, when Pippin burst in the door.  
"Frodo!" he shouted. "It's Sam!"  
"What, is his nose evil too?" retorted Frodo.  
"No, it's, it's, his accent! His accent is evil!!" He was screaming now.  
"Pippin, go away."  
"No, really..." he screeched in fright and retreated deeper within the house.  
Sam appeared at the door.  
"Good morning, Sam!" said Frodo cheerily.  
"Hello, Mr. Frodo, I have come for you," purred Sam.  
"GAAAAA!!" hollered Frodo spilling hot coffee on himself.  
"Har har har!" shouted Sam. Pippin appeared rolling on the floor laughing.  
Frodo stood up tossing the table aside. "You'd better run, Took..." 


End file.
